The Death Metaphor, The Aquarium and My Psychopomp

Most of the time, I would see Dad staring at our aquarium. I have read once that the fluidity of the fish’s movement ease the stress of an individual; doubtlessly, that could be the reason why I would see Dad on that scenario. On the division of the household chores, aside from fixing things I had broken, Dad is the one who is in-charged of the birds, the turtles, the fish and the dogs. I, on the other hand, would be responsible of doing nothing.

Just last month, I am home alone for some days which means I have to take care of all the pets at home. We have lots of fish, I can assure you that ~from extinct Jurassic-era species to swimming salamander. But you can believe at your own risks.

In that span of two days, I lose four fish. Funny of me, when I saw those four fish rising above waters, there is this feeling of ‘why did this happen, oh, why!’

I had a hard time moving on. I texted Dad of the dead fish. Dad replied, “It’s okay.”

And all those years flashed through me. Knowing that Dad is the closest to our pets because he was in-charged of feeding them; but I never saw Dad grieving over the death of neither our dogs nor our fish. He would usually say, “That’s how life works. You have to brave out a pet’s death.”

Is Dad not afraid of death? Or is it acceptance that sooner or later, you will lose something more significant than your life?

Death ~I am not actually so sure. I am not afraid of dying. Or so I guess. When I was a kid, I made a treaty with Death. That he’ll fetch me with three conditions. I thought it’s that easy but after witnessing people suffering of worldly pain before their departure in this cosmos freaks me out. If I should die tonight, I just want to be lying on my bed, had a not-so-good dream and be taken by the Thief of The Night. That’s my ideal deathwish.

And, insomuch as I never want to be the first in the group to die, I also do not want to be in the last of the line. I fear senescence. I dreaded the days of growing old attending funerals of everyone. So do not inject me with vampire rabies because I do not want to live until eternity. Thanks, but no thanks infecting me with zombie virus also.

Yeah, yeah. I am not over with death and I, myself, knew the answer. It’s because I am too attached to worldly things. And the more I am attached to this world, the more terrorizing the thought of leaving this cosmos.

“The ultimate boundary to human life is death and that any man or woman’s pursuit is to go past that boundary.” ~ I forgot who said this, so I apologize.

So now I pronounced a race between Death and I ~ that I shall learn acceptance before it’s too late. And if wisdom permits itself to me, probably death will not be as painful as I am imagining it right now. Let’s bring this on!

 

Ang Paglalakad sa Pagitan ng Hatinggabi at Madaling Araw sa Madilim at Mahabang Kalye

Pumara ako at patalon na bumaba ng jeep.

Humarap ako sa madilim at infinite na kalye ng Biyoleta–kailangan ko na namang lakarin ang walang katapusan na eskinitang ‘to sa disoras ng gabi at lagpasan ang isang higanteng puno. Malaking puno na dinisenyuhan ng umaapaw na dahon, mahahabang sanga, at pinamamahayan ng mga kalapati slash paniki. Isang puno na nauna pang iniluwal ng lupa bago pa man ako ipinanganak. 

Habang naglalakad ay lagi na lang akong napapatigil sa harap ng puno.  Gayunpaman, kailangan kong pigilin ang sarili na usisain ang kung anong mayroon sa tuktok nito. O sa kinatitirikan nito. O sa mga sanga nito.

Madalas ay nililibang ko na lang ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pagtitig sa malawak na kalawakan habang naglalakad–iisipin ko na lang yung mga kwento ng uncle ko kung paano gagamutin ang isang giraffe na may stiff neck, o kung paanong patitigilin ang runny nose ng isang elepante, o ang sumasakit na tiyan ng ahas. Pero sa tuwing nililibang ko ang sarili sa kung anu-anong ideya eh bigla na lang hahangin ng malakas at magliliparan ang mga kalapati slash paniki mula sa sanga ng malaking puno. Kasabay nang paglipad ng mga nilalang na’to ay ang pagtakip ng bulto-bultong ulap sa kabilugan ng buwan. At sa tuwing ganito ang senaryo, ang tanging pinagkukuhaan ko na lamang ng lakas para makapaglakad papalayo ay ang poste ng ilaw na sampung metro ang layo sa akin. Bubuwelo ako para makatakbo at sasabayan ng aking mga paa ang dumadagundong na tibok ng puso ko.

Kapag nakalayo na ay muli kong nililingon ang pinagmumulan ng aking katatakutan. Uusisain ko kung nakadikit pa rin sa akin ang aking anino, pagmamasdan ang puno kung umalis ba ito sa kinatitirikan nito, at susulyapan ang langit kung naging dalawa ba ang buwan. Sinusuri kong mabuti kung naging kulay itim at puti ba ang kulay ng buong cosmos.

Pero malulungkot ako dahil walang nagbago sa mundo.

At gaya ng dati, magpapatuloy ako sa paglalakad at mararating ang tapat ng bahay namin. Mapapasulyap muli sa aking likuran at pagmamasdan ang tinahak kong infinitesimal eskinita at mapagtatanto na tahimik pa rin ang kalsada at tanging ihip ng hangin lamang ang pabalik-balik na dumaraan dito. Ang mga kalapati slash paniki na padaop-daop sa malaking puno ay nagmimistulang gamu-gamo sa mga umaapoy na sanga at patuloy pa rin sa paglalaro ng tagu-taguan ang mga anino at liwanag na ibinubuga ng patay-sinding ilaw ng poste.

Maiisip ko na lang, kailan kaya ako magkakaroon ng stalker para maging exciting naman ang buhay ko sa tuwing maglalakad ako, sa pagitan ng hatinggabi at madaling araw, dito sa madilim at mahabang kalye?