My Random A Month Ago

I’ve been so depressed for so long. I was a really smart fucking kid. I’ve done too many drugs, and I feel like I left something important behind at some point in my life. I’ve felt love, and I’ve felt it get torn away from me, feeling like I’ll never find it again. And if I did, I wouldn’t even feel motivated enough to even try. It’s so hard for me to think. My mind feels like a mess, ideas fly around, thoughts go somewhere else. I can’t even hold onto them for more than a few seconds. I wish I could talk to someone about my problems, but whenever I try to, my mind goes blank, and I can’t even think about what’s wrong with me. I just know that I’m very, very fucking upset with everything.

I hate the way the world is. I fucking hate everybody in the world. I hate everyone’s fucking face, I hate how the world is set up, and I hate how freedom is completely unreachable. By the way, there is no such thing as freedom, and the way I see it, as long as I’m alive, I’ll never be free.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Everything just feels so numb. So fucking numb. I wish I could explain what’s GOING THROUGH MY FUCKING HEAD, BUT I CAN’T. It’s frustrating.

I can’t see a point in doing anything.

I have anxiety problems, I’m depressed, and I’m pretty sure I’m bipolar. No matter how happy I get, I always end up extremely upset. I get waves of deep depression, that hit me for absolutely no reason. I don’t know why it happens to me, and I feel like I don’t deserve this. They hit me pretty much every day.

I wish someone would tell me exactly what I want to hear. I want someone to tell me what’s wrong with me, someone to say that they know exactly what I’m going through, someone to clear my mind of these fucking cobwebs. But I don’t know what i want.

I just don’t know. I’ve been through so much shit, but I don’t feel like any of that is what’s upsetting me. I think it’s just a problem with chemicals in my brain or something, and it makes everything seem so dark and void.

But for the lulz.

Not me. Really. This isn’t me.