My Random A Month Ago

I’ve been so depressed for so long. I was a really smart fucking kid. I’ve done too many drugs, and I feel like I left something important behind at some point in my life. I’ve felt love, and I’ve felt it get torn away from me, feeling like I’ll never find it again. And if I did, I wouldn’t even feel motivated enough to even try. It’s so hard for me to think. My mind feels like a mess, ideas fly around, thoughts go somewhere else. I can’t even hold onto them for more than a few seconds. I wish I could talk to someone about my problems, but whenever I try to, my mind goes blank, and I can’t even think about what’s wrong with me. I just know that I’m very, very fucking upset with everything.

I hate the way the world is. I fucking hate everybody in the world. I hate everyone’s fucking face, I hate how the world is set up, and I hate how freedom is completely unreachable. By the way, there is no such thing as freedom, and the way I see it, as long as I’m alive, I’ll never be free.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Everything just feels so numb. So fucking numb. I wish I could explain what’s GOING THROUGH MY FUCKING HEAD, BUT I CAN’T. It’s frustrating.

I can’t see a point in doing anything.

I have anxiety problems, I’m depressed, and I’m pretty sure I’m bipolar. No matter how happy I get, I always end up extremely upset. I get waves of deep depression, that hit me for absolutely no reason. I don’t know why it happens to me, and I feel like I don’t deserve this. They hit me pretty much every day.

I wish someone would tell me exactly what I want to hear. I want someone to tell me what’s wrong with me, someone to say that they know exactly what I’m going through, someone to clear my mind of these fucking cobwebs. But I don’t know what i want.

I just don’t know. I’ve been through so much shit, but I don’t feel like any of that is what’s upsetting me. I think it’s just a problem with chemicals in my brain or something, and it makes everything seem so dark and void.

But for the lulz.

Not me. Really. This isn’t me.

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50 thoughts on “My Random A Month Ago

  1. base… try God…
    maybe He has the answer…

    I also feel that way.. but I learned to accept and live for others.. that’s why I’m happy even though I go through tough times..

    Try reading… Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard… God bless you Ax.. you’re such a good mentor to me when I started blogging..

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      1. yeah! Minus the drug addiction and the bipolar part of course.
        my favorite line from you:
        “I don’t know what I want, I just don’t know” =)
        -dahil hanggang ngaun ang gulo gulo pa rin ng utak ko kung ano talaga ang gusto kong gawin. ahhh basta..

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  2. ax,
    bukod sa sinabi ni orville, eto ang maidagdag ko 🙂
    i-try mo maglakad-lakad. pakiramdaman mo ang paligid. tingnan mo ang bawat tao sa paligid at makakasalubong mo dahil sa kanila mo mahahanap ang sagot sa mga tanong mo.

    kung may hindi ka matanggap, pag-aralan mong tanggapin ito. kung may hindi ka mapatawad, i-try mong magpatawad.

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    1. tama si busyok ax, minsan ang mga kasagutan sa mga katanungan natin ay makikita natin sa mga lugar at pagkakataon na di natin inaasahan… wag kang mag alala.. di lang naman ikaw ang ganyan ang pakiramdam.. ako rin.. ganyan din… ang ginagawa ko ay spend lang ng time na pasayahin ang ibang tao.. in that way.. baka nga …. dalawang tao ang magiging masaya… IKAW at sila… Cheer up.. There are so many people who wanted to be on your shoes… isa na ako doon… hanga ako sayo sa galing mo sa pagsusulat.. bagamat di man kita nakakasama at nakakausap ng personal.. alam ko mabuti kang tao..

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  3. hold a sec, did you really write this? no offense meant, but the way the words were weaved, they pretty much seem to be un-AX-ly. guess it’s part of growing up huh? oh, and quarterlife crisis, too.

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  4. Uhmm? What’s this?

    Sorry, tagal kong di napadpad dito… Alam mo naman kung saan ako busy… 😀

    For whatever it is worth,catharsis may always have have its alleviating effects.

    We always know what we want, it is just that sometimes we get confused by other attractive noises the world offers.

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  5. ikaw ba ung kahapon? hnd ako sure ah. marame ka kasing kamukha..

    on topic:
    may kakaiba dito. hnd ko alam kung mag o open up ka na sa mga posts mo pero it’s not just you or am i thinking too much? 😛 anyway, happy holidays!

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  6. of all the people that commented here so far, believe me when i say that i know completely how you felt that time you wrote this post. it also happens to me at random times.. and it’s also one of the reasons why i tend to do stupid things. but i will just keep on trying to understand myself, to search and reach for the answers. you should also do the same. Merry Christmas AX. and have a Blesses New Year. :]

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    1. Tinatawag mo akong friend pero wala man lang picture na magkasama tayo? Haha. Iphotoshop na yan! Layo mo kase, nasa Canada ka. Tsk, pero pareho naman tayong nag-aral sa PUP. Yun lang, di pa tayo magkakilala dati. Aw.

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  7. hi ax! happy new year. i hope you are doing well now. hope 2011 will be the best year of your life. things will get better. just hang in there!

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