The Death Metaphor, The Aquarium and My Psychopomp

Most of the time, I would see Dad staring at our aquarium. I have read once that the fluidity of the fish’s movement ease the stress of an individual; doubtlessly, that could be the reason why I would see Dad on that scenario. On the division of the household chores, aside from fixing things I had broken, Dad is the one who is in-charged of the birds, the turtles, the fish and the dogs. I, on the other hand, would be responsible of doing nothing.

Just last month, I am home alone for some days which means I have to take care of all the pets at home. We have lots of fish, I can assure you that ~from extinct Jurassic-era species to swimming salamander. But you can believe at your own risks.

In that span of two days, I lose four fish. Funny of me, when I saw those four fish rising above waters, there is this feeling of ‘why did this happen, oh, why!’

I had a hard time moving on. I texted Dad of the dead fish. Dad replied, “It’s okay.”

And all those years flashed through me. Knowing that Dad is the closest to our pets because he was in-charged of feeding them; but I never saw Dad grieving over the death of neither our dogs nor our fish. He would usually say, “That’s how life works. You have to brave out a pet’s death.”

Is Dad not afraid of death? Or is it acceptance that sooner or later, you will lose something more significant than your life?

Death ~I am not actually so sure. I am not afraid of dying. Or so I guess. When I was a kid, I made a treaty with Death. That he’ll fetch me with three conditions. I thought it’s that easy but after witnessing people suffering of worldly pain before their departure in this cosmos freaks me out. If I should die tonight, I just want to be lying on my bed, had a not-so-good dream and be taken by the Thief of The Night. That’s my ideal deathwish.

And, insomuch as I never want to be the first in the group to die, I also do not want to be in the last of the line. I fear senescence. I dreaded the days of growing old attending funerals of everyone. So do not inject me with vampire rabies because I do not want to live until eternity. Thanks, but no thanks infecting me with zombie virus also.

Yeah, yeah. I am not over with death and I, myself, knew the answer. It’s because I am too attached to worldly things. And the more I am attached to this world, the more terrorizing the thought of leaving this cosmos.

“The ultimate boundary to human life is death and that any man or woman’s pursuit is to go past that boundary.” ~ I forgot who said this, so I apologize.

So now I pronounced a race between Death and I ~ that I shall learn acceptance before it’s too late. And if wisdom permits itself to me, probably death will not be as painful as I am imagining it right now. Let’s bring this on!